You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
