I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
