She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
