I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
