Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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