just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
