Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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