I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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