She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I wish life had little blips of pornography
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
