Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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