do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
