I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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