In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
