i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
