I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
