you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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