I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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