We won't sleep together?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize