we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
