Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize