Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Randomize
