can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize