I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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