Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize