when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
