i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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