Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
