My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
