Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
