I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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