Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Where did you get a picture of my penis
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
it's great music for shaving your balls
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
