Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize