So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
