I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
and you fell through a lawn chair
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
