dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
