i just wanna soil my oats bro
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
