you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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