A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
