I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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