I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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