btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
