she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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