dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
