i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
