i just wanna soil my oats bro
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize