It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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