too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
