I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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