I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
