Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize