his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
