that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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