M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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