I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
