My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
