When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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