That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
