so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
