i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
