The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
