We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
