My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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