So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
