I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
