Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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